I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
