I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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