Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
