Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
