Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
