i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
