That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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