My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
