Need sex. Gaining weight.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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