My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
