i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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