Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
