Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
