the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
