Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We have started to decorate penises.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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