Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
