bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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