I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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