Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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