I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
