i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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