The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
