If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
