Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Drunk is not a location!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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