your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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