What a fucking waste of an outfit
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
