The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
