just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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