Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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