I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
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