Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
