booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
