I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
