new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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