I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Naked Twister starts at high noon
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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