i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
