totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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