I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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