the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
