Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
