I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
meet me or not, i'm out of control
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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