Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
