First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
