why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just want nice things and good sex
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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