My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
