The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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