Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
