Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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