i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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