nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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