I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
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