my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
